“What the hell type of clickbait did I fall for?” may be your first thought after tapping on this article, but believe me, I haven’t trapped you! This article is not about saving cishet men from themselves (in my opinion, let them burn), but rather it addresses the lack of nuance surrounding the idea of masculinity in the LGBTQIA+ sphere. 

To clarify, the phrase “Not All Men” is incredibly misogynistic and problematic, but within the last few years, issues regarding masculinity have become increasingly terrifying and, naturally, more polarized. Notions like the “male loneliness epidemic” or the rise of the “alpha male” (which is just flat-out sexism) are ridiculous, but the associated beliefs about masculinity pose serious and real threats to those who are not cishet men. The problem with our fellow Gen Z men becoming ultra-right-wing conservatives is that the rest of us are left scrambling to pick up the pieces of our future as a generation. And amid this scramble to figure out how to function with a good percentage of our male population becoming Trump supporters who want “tradwives”, we have begun to neglect the truth surrounding masculinity: that gender is a socially created construct. And yes, that applies to cishet men! Many cishet men have fallen hard into traditional gender roles and continue to uphold a failing patriarchy. And while the rest of us attempt to swim in this damning conservatism, we must remember to not allow cishet men to control or influence the narratives within our own communities. 

The same rising conservatism among cishet men has begun to slowly creep into the LGBTQIA+ community to the point where it’s difficult to recognize the original principles of queer liberation. Let’s take a second, as a group, to come to terms with a few things:

• Masculinity is a part of our existence as a queer community. 
• Masculinity is not a role but an expression. 
• Masculinity as a gender role that queer people have to abide by is inherently the opposite of what queerness is. 

Now, I know there is some nuance there, so take it with a grain of salt. But essentially, I am trying to say that we should not allow conservative gender roles into our experiences as queer people.

As a nonbinary queer person who looks feminine-presenting, this issue has come up a lot for me. From my own experience, I have learned that I can only be comfortable around people who can affirm all aspects of my gender identity, whether in romantic or platonic relationships. All aspects that are seemingly feminine, masculine, and androgynous. I remember one instance when I was dating a cishet man who specifically told me that if I went by they/them pronouns or even got facial piercings (they thought it looked too masculine), we could not be together anymore. 

We promptly broke up after that. 

No one should be forced into gender roles because of their or their partner’s gender expression. For example, if you are stud, butch, masc, or transmasc and queer, you shouldn’t have to take on the socially constructed role of a “masculine provider” or behave how a cishet man is expected to when it comes to romantic relationships just because of your identity. You shouldn’t have to pay for all of the dates or open all the doors or be the breadwinner, unless you want to. Studs, butches, mascs, trans men, and androgynous people are not cishet men and should not be assigned such gender roles unless they decide to take them on. That version of masculinity is not inherent, and no one should be forced into a role based on the actions of cishet men.

The construct of masculinity is not real; we have created our own contexts around what a “man” should look like. I often see TikTok comments suggesting that mascs and trans men should wear masculine clothing, have short hair, and be the “provider” in the house, but within queerhood, a trans man or masc-presenting person can behave, dress, and exist any way they decide. We all know this—great—but it is time we put this into practice within the community more. The point of queerness is to unravel and deconstruct these notions, to evolve until we can express ourselves in ways that make us feel comfortable in our romantic, platonic, and familial relationships. 

There is another side to this coin as well. We do not only adhere to patriarchal standards within our own community, but we also bring in a sense of frustration because of the growing disdain for the patriarchy. The overall issue is that the same disdain is projected onto masculine-presenting people within the LGBTQIA+ community. 

Let’s be clear, what we do not support is the patriarchy (cishet men included), but we should support other forms of men or masculine-presenting people that exist within our community who do not benefit from and are impacted by the patriarchy. As I mentioned earlier, the disdain around cishet men is valid, yet it can also be harmful because of the connection between cishet men and masculinity. The issues surrounding power and control that cishet men exhibit, especially in terms of romantic relationships, do not automatically transfer to masculine-presenting people in the queer community. This distinction is important as transphobia continues to be a problem both in conservative groups as well as the LGBTQIA+ community. One issue that comes up is the notion that trans men cannot identify as lesbians because of their identity. They are not allowed to continue to express femininity or break down barriers of gender expression. However, trans people have the right to align their own sexuality and identity with what fits them. Just because their gender may not adhere perfectly to the idea of what lesbianism is does not mean that we have the right to police them because of our disdain for masculinity. To have anger and hatred toward masculinity to the point where we force those in our community into roles that don’t align with their expression is problematic. As queer folk, we deserve to have freedom in our expression and to not be held responsible in our own spaces for the actions and impact of cishet men. 

We have to remember that part of our work in the queer community is to dismantle and challenge previous oppressive systems. When we allow these same oppressive features into our community, we are contributing to the erasure of our previous purpose of true liberation. Liberation—essentially, that we do not have to fill roles that adhere to heteronormative societal norms because we are allowed to exist outside of them. And since we exist outside of them, masculinity can be recognized as a valid and distinct part of queerhood, and it should be given space to exist beyond gender constructs and gender politics. The rejection of masculinity is not liberation but rather another oppressive system restricting gender expression, and since we have done so much work to break out of it, let’s not go back.