You are at the bar with your friends, tipsy as you dance and sing along to the music. The bass shakes your body, and your ears ring, but you don’t care. Your outfit is perfect, your hair is somehow staying in place, everyone is smiling—the vibes are immaculate.
Until you feel a tap on your shoulder.
How do you respond?
A. “Sorry, I have a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner.” (If you don’t, they don’t need to know.)
B. “It was nice talking to you, but I don’t give out my number. Sorry.”
C. You sigh and say, “Sure.”
If you said C, so have I!
No matter how I choose to respond, all options suck. I hate telling people no, so if I reject them, my mind will race and my insecurities will kick in. They were just being nice, you’re such an asshole for saying no, I’d think to myself, or they must hate you now. Everyone hates you, BTW, or hope you’re ready to die alone! If I say yes, I’ll feel guilty for leading them on, then ghosting them or writing some Notes app apology as to why I don’t want to see them again.
The stranger wasn’t necessarily in the wrong (though they could have been) or acting with bad intentions (though they might have been). I can acknowledge it takes some balls to go up to someone you’ve never met before that you find attractive or intriguing, and I can, of course, accept some compliments. But, unfortunately for that stranger, I’m just not mentally or emotionally prepared to start a relationship yet.
Despite watching my friends download dating apps, go on dates, and enter new relationships, I’ve realized I am uninterested in and not ready to begin dating at the moment, and I’m not the only 20-something who feels this way.
There’s nothing wrong with platonic dates or getting to know someone new, but that can be harder to do when my plate is already full with work and life and friends and family and traveling and escapism and trying to make sense of the chaotic, unstable world we’re living in.
For some, dating provides strength and stability in their daily lives. They crave romantic relationships and can handle balancing work, life, and love all at once.
To me, dating seems like drinking water from a fire hose—overwhelming and hard to manage all at once.
In the past few years, I’ve learned firsthand how much uncertainty and change can occur in your 20s. As someone who can struggle with handling new life changes, dating on my already full plate would cause everything else to crash. I know people looking to start relationships or currently in stable relationships, even some getting engaged (great for them, completely terrifying to me), so I understand the good dating can bring. Even so, I’d rather spend this stage of my life focusing on myself and spending valuable time with the people closest to me.
I’ve found there are some common reasons other 20-somethings and I aren’t rushing to date quite yet.
Dating? In This Economy?: In the words of USA Today columnist Kofi Mframa, “Inflation and other economic factors leave us with little money for dates and other expenses that come with dating. All that, paired with this generation’s overall feelings of hopelessness, nihilism, and existential dread, puts love on the back burner.” I’m not necessarily broke, but I’m not swimming in cash either. On top of my pre-existing plans, dating means more dinners, trips, gifts, and outings; even the simple stay-at-home date has its price tag. And based on the current economic and societal state of the world (particularly the U.S.), I’m feeling extra emotionally drained and financially anxious. So, for the sake of my student loans and hopes of moving out, a relationship might not be ideal.
The Scary World of Dating Apps: Watching my friends make profiles and swipe through dating apps? Fun. Making my own profile and swiping through dating apps? Not fun. Now, people can take dating apps seriously and find the one, but based on TikTok horror stories and my personal trust issues, I fear dating apps are not for me. I was also shocked to find that, despite seeming very popular among people my age, only 26% of Gen Z is on dating apps. It also appears that “dating apps are losing their appeal with daters of all ages,” as others desire face-to-face authenticity, feel critical about the reliability of algorithms, and enjoy their share of unserious engagement with people online like I do.
Putting Family & Friends First: I’m currently living at home one year into my first post-grad job. I commute into NYC three times a week for work, and though some days are reasonable, others are EXHAUSTING. I am grateful to have my family’s support as I save up and prepare to eventually find my own apartment, so while I’m still at home, I’d rather spend my remaining energy making the most of my time with friends and family than try to jump into a new relationship. More than half of Gen Zers and millennials prioritize friendships over relationships, whether they are open to love or not, and most of my friends are in the same boat, so for now, we’ll continue to float along.
The Uncertainty of Situationships: We do live in an age of talking stages and situationships; half of the people aged 18 to 34 in the United States have been in a situationship before. Situationships are supposed to ease concerns about cheating and the pressure of being fully committed to someone, since the lack of exact labels means people can still cut things off if they want to pursue something different or, if things are working out, reflect and go from there. While this may work for some, I believe situationships and talking stages are emotional rollercoasters I’d rather not ride. I dislike the thought of disposing of someone from my life or being disposed of by someone else. And considering that I am chronically indecisive and struggle with trust and commitment issues, I am confident I would not fare well.
I’m The Problem, It’s Me: Did you pick up on the pattern in all of the answers above? That’s right: it’s me! They say we are our own biggest haters, so I can point out my flaws just as easily as my perfections. You already know about my trust and commitment issues, along with my ability to overthink, but don’t forget my need for validation, my social anxiety, and my tendency to sob over minor inconveniences! All of these qualities aren’t necessarily bad, but what I’m trying to say is in order to start dating, there are steps I need to take mentally and emotionally to feel ready. And according to Hinge’s 2024 D.A.T.E. report, other Gen Zers feel similarly, with insecurities like fear of rejection and coming off as cringe at the top of their list of concerns when it comes to dating. This does not come as a surprise; pressure from others, intentional or not, and social media can make us worry constantly about how we are perceived and put pressure on us to find the perfect relationship, even if we aren’t ready.
Was the whole point of this article to rationalize being single? Maybe. The point is there is nothing wrong with taking time for yourself and going with the flow at this stage in life. There is nothing wrong with focusing on your existing interpersonal relationships. There is nothing wrong with finding your footing before taking the next step towards love.
If you end up finding or meeting someone that you see something more with, go for it. And if you don’t, that’s okay, even if you receive pestering from family members about your love life or feel stressed about dating because of social media or your friends. You aren’t the only one.
Tinder’s 2023 Future of Dating Report revealed working on self-growth and well-being take the cake for Gen Z’s top long-term goals. So, focus on you and focus on the now—move, travel, take care of yourself, breathe, and figure out what you want.
Put on your shades to cover up your eyes and ride solo.
THE 20-SOMETHING FILES. 