First Impressions

Why Men Love Bitches is one of the most popular books on the self-help shelf in your local bookstore. In 2000, Sherry Argov wrote Why Men Love Bitches; a lot has changed in the dating game over the last 25 years. Upon first glance, the book gives off the vibe of an “As Seen On TV” product. Do you feel like X? Try Y. Though it’s not my cup of tea, many self-help books take this approach because it works. I imagine the target for this book is an insecure woman who has recently been burned by a man, or many men in the past. She is wandering through the bookstore and naturally gravitates towards the self-help section. She believes that she is the reason why all her relationships with men have failed, and is asking, “What can I do? Why me?” She then sees the spine of a book, in all caps: WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES. She picks it up and realizes that maybe she is the problem, but not in the way she first believed. 

As a strong, secure, independent woman myself, this book didn’t provide me with any life-changing advice. I read it because of its social media popularity and to possibly find a nugget of mind-altering information. Instead, I found a lot of misleading, repetitive themes about how women should behave towards men. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of good principles about how women could behave towards themselves, but there’s more fluff and misleading information than not.  Below are my thoughts about the good, the bad, and the bitchy parts of Why Men Love Bitches. 

The Good

Throughout the book, Argov tends to repeat the same general principles in different ways. One of the points she reiterates in almost every chapter is to never stop living your life because of a man. Don’t cancel plans with a friend or drop your hobbies to see him, no matter how much you want to. I have seen women, even in my life, who stop participating in their lives once they start dating. When you give up the things that bring you joy to cater to a man, it allows more room for him to take advantage of you and your kindness. Giving up the things you love tends to make people miserable, which will impact your relationship. On another note, if you completely ingrain yourself in his life, it makes it harder to leave if you want to because you have more stock invested in his life than he does in yours. 

Another principle that she reiterates is who the “bitch” is. A bitch is a woman who is secure in herself, doesn’t take shit from anyone (especially a man), sets her standards and sticks to them, treats herself with respect, and doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her. The book is, in essence, a guide to becoming a “bitch.” While I agree these are essential qualities to have inside and outside of a relationship, she doesn’t explain how to embody them. How does one become secure in oneself? How does one learn how to set boundaries in or out of a relationship? How does one learn how not to care what anyone thinks of them? In Argov’s eyes, you learn these qualities by pretending. By faking it ‘til you make it: “So, what’s the right attitude? “This is me, in all of my splendor… and it doesn’t get any better than this.” Don’t spend a fortune on a therapist. Just say it to yourself until you believe it. Eventually, you will believe it, and so will he,” (P.13). On another note, the anti-therapy rhetoric is a big fat no for me. My friends and family all know I’m all about going to therapy, even if you’re mentally healthy. However, I do believe that in some scenarios, like this one, faking it until you make it works. Thinking and then believing good things about yourself is never really harmful. 

How does one become secure in oneself? How does one learn how to set boundaries in or out of a relationship? How does one learn how not to care what anyone thinks of them?

Another positive I have about this book is its accessibility. It is around 250 pages (sans appendix) and is a breeze to read. In my eyes, if you are a woman who feels like she always needs to appear attractive to men, whether it be physically or mentally, Why Men Love Bitches is a good introduction on how to gain respect in a relationship via having respect for yourself. At its core, Why Men Love Bitches sends the message that if you don’t respect yourself, a man will disrespect you for you. 

The Bad

On to the bad. My favorite part! My first qualm is with society in general. Why do we have so many books for women on how to get a man to take you seriously and respect you, but we don’t teach men how to respect women? The first thought I had while reading was: Why isn’t there a book called, “Why women love ___” specifically for male readers? I tried my best to think of a word to fill in that blank and all I could come up with is “assholes” which gives off the opposite message than intended (even though this book shows that many women will choose an asshole over a nice guy). It peeves me that women are always the ones who have to change their behaviors to accommodate men, even if they are strong, secure, and independent. As Argov suggests, we are supposed to subliminally deliver our wants and needs to men through our actions instead of our words, and let them figure it out themselves. It’s like when you tell a kid that the burner is hot and they want to touch it anyway. They simply have to learn the hard way. I don’t think relationships should entail learning your partner’s wants and needs the hard way. 

Another issue I have is the basic generalizations Argov makes about men. I tried to read the book through a 2000s lens; however, this didn’t hold up then and doesn’t today. She paints the picture that every man is a Man. That he’s a beer-chugging, All-American macho, who’s afraid of tampons and thinks feelings are “girlie.” Not all men are like that! In my experience, men are some of the most dramatic, emotionally sensitive creatures on this planet. I swear some men should come with a fainting couch and a string quartet upon birth. Many of the emotional qualities she ascribes to men are just human qualities. She states, “The minute a man feels vulnerable, he fears being devastated emotionally”(P.42). Don’t we all in some regard? Being vulnerable with another person is a risk that we all take, not just men. And yes, it can lead to emotional devastation if feelings aren’t handled with communication and care. 

Being vulnerable with another person is a risk that we all take, not just men.

Another quote that I dislike for a variety of reasons is, “Men are hunters, and like hunting any animal, they are more intrigued by conquering prey when it resists the predator. Most men are turned on by a bitch because it’s a thrill to take down a powerful woman” (P. 44). Hello? Why is it the goal to take down a powerful woman? From a woman’s perspective, if a man said that he was attracted to me because he’s thrilled by trying to “take me down” he’s going straight into the garbage. Also, “resisting the predator” is not a great sentiment to promote. I don’t think any woman is attracted to the guy we try to shoo away who keeps on coming back. If that “no go away” screams “I really like you” there’s something wrong there. While I agree that some flirtatious cat and mouse is acceptable, predator and prey talk is a little bit much in my eyes. 

There are many more unattractive qualities of this book, but it would be arbitrary for me to continue in this vein. With any piece of informational material, you should always take it with a grain of salt. This book is going to be helpful for some, and not for others. For me, it isn’t my cup of tea. 

The Bitchy

For a woman who’s goal is to give information to uplift women into becoming the best, secure version of themselves, Sherry Argov sure does shit on women. For example: “If you want to make a woman who is a 6 on a scale of 10 look like a 12, what do you need to do? Simple. Act threatened by her,” (P. 14). Yes, competing with other women is uneccesary, but we’ve been so conditioned by the media, whether it be social or otherwise, that we need to constantly be “better” or different than we already are. Her point is that when you show a man you have insecurities, he will try to take advantage of them, and it will make you look less attractive. Why do we have to perpetuate this narrative that women should be attractive based on how other women appear, and on an arbitrary numerical system? 

Argov reveals her truly bitchy nature in this quote that there’s no explanation for: “It isn’t about looks; gorgeous women get dumped every day. It isn’t about intelligence. Women of all types, from brilliant women to women with the IQ of plant life, pull it off every day,” (P. 18). That seems plain old bitchy to me! What a great message: it doesn’t matter if you are Einstein or as dumb as a rock, a man will still take advantage of and underappreciate you!

The prime way in which Why Men Love Bitches falls short in 2025 is the “Nuh-uh girlfriend” attitude. It’s like Samantha Jones if she were Carrie Bradshaw. Argov’s wit and humor tend to fall flat as they come off as cringy and demeaning in today’s world. Here is another quote in which a woman is put down to make an arbitrary point: “Ever wonder why you see a gorgeous guy marry the girl-next-door? To your eye, she looks plain, but to his eye she’s a “natural beauty.” It doesn’t matter if her most glamorous moment was winning the Miss Pumpkin Patch contest on a farm at age six” (P. 54). She goes on to make the point that the more secure in yourself you are, the more attractive you become. Essentially, the more “you” you are. 

Her humor continues to degrade throughout the book, especially with the title of the fourth chapter: “Dumb like a fox.” Argov states: “Let him be right. You be smart. This is precisely the reason the dumb fox lets a man think he’s in control” (P. 77). One thing my mom taught me is to never dumb yourself down for a man. Why would I let a man be right when I can be right and also get my wants and needs fulfilled? Sure, you need to pick your battles. Sometimes, in order to get what you want, you have to let things go. However, it should not involve basic needs or compromise your integrity. The overall message of the chapter is that you have to be tactfully complacent and stroke your man’s ego to get him to behave as a good partner. That’s not the game I would play, but some people enjoy it, so as long as your dignity and integrity are intact, I would say go for it. Let’s just not call a woman dumb for behaving in that way. 

I did a lot of complaining about this book. But where can you find real, solid relationship advice? Well, Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist who is essentially the 2025 version of Sherry Argov with scientific data to back her work. She has excellent articles, a podcast, and even courses! She has also published two excellent books relating to relationships. 

I could go on and on analyzing Why Men Love Bitches but I fear this article would be the length of a masters thesis. Below are some quotes that pissed me off and perhaps a word or two as to why I don’t like them.

“… the emotionally sensitive type of woman confuses him” (P. 21).

(Because he’s an idiot)

“I don’t think most men would mind if a woman was the one in control at home. Just as long as no one else knew about it” (P.48)
(Why does it have to be a secret??)

“No man changes because of couples therapy. Men think of therapy as a form of blackmail–coercion with a ransom. The only reason they straighten up is to keep from going broke.” (P. 145)

(Tell that to my mom, a couples counselor of 30+ years, who probably sees more men than women)

“The fear every guy has is that after marriage the girl is going to cut her hair off, gain a bunch of weight, and stop putting out.” (P. 165)

(And what if she does?)

“He wants the rare woman who can think for herself.” (P. 241)

(Rare???)