It is a cool day, which, for the South, is 75 degrees Fahrenheit. We are strolling in the park, observing the Muscovy ducks while dodging bees. Holding hands, you lead me to a quiet spot on the hill—the grass is soft enough, but we add our checkered blanket to sit on anyway. As cooking for others brings me joy, I display a charcuterie board featuring Gouda, Swiss, and cheddar cheese, pickled jams, and your favorite proteins. You hand me a glass of sparkling apple cider as we play 21 questions, all while taking in the atmosphere and each other. To me, dating is exploring connections through sentimental moments. It’s the kind of dating I long for, but it feels increasingly impossible to find in a world dominated by dating apps. I have only gotten close to being in a relationship, so my observations are limited. However, to me, dating culture and hookup culture are so intertwined that it is often expected to be physical so early on. ‘I like you’ somehow translates into, ‘My place in thirty minutes?’ Do not get me started on the ‘you up’ text. The world of online dating is a lonely, horny place.

Dating and courtship used to go together. A time when you would work to woo your potential mate, not see if you have similar bedroom positions. According to an article from the BBC, the word “dating” is considered to have come from American columnist George Ade in the Chicago Record in 1896. He had written a story about a clerk named Artie, whose girlfriend received attention from other guys, and alluded to her calendar, which had plans involving other suitors. Although this definition suggests non-exclusive dating, at least proper activities were planned. Or is it so wild that a girl wants to feel special with her clothes still on?

You would think online dating would be easier, but the lack of care carries over even digitally. This in no way calls out any particular dating app; however, I have been on several, and the experience has remained the same: a profound lack of dedication to building a bond. People often show no commitment to growing a single connection before moving on to the next person. They don’t even commit to writing a decent bio. Stating “Come find out” is not exciting; it is a turn-off. The whole point is that I am trying to make an informed decision on who I spend my time with and not get catfished.

It is also a struggle to find someone looking for the same type of relationship as you. Dating apps should better curate your preferences to match you with someone serious or casual. This goes for the paid and free options (I’ve tested both thanks to free trials, and it still sucks). From my experience, there are two primary outcomes associated with dating apps. #1 The long talking period never seems to end. (At this point, I wonder if you even like me or if this is a pity bond you hope will fade with time.) Or #2, the straight-to-bed pipeline, where they do not even look at your profile before swiping right. Language meets intentionality or lack thereof. Calling someone “fine shit” does not resonate as much as “beautiful” or “lovely,” and it certainly is not a turn-on.

Don’t get me wrong, if you are sex positive and look for this type of intimacy right away, great. However, if I put in my profile, “looking for a long-term relationship” or “emotional connection before physical,” then we should not match.

The term “casual dating” is an interesting buzzword to me because dating, in my eyes, is not casual. You are actively choosing to see and be with this person. You are putting time, money, and emotional attachment into a relationship that may or may not work out. The effort itself is a form of commitment, regardless of a label.

Although physical connection is an essential indicator for many and is used to determine their enjoyment in a relationship, and thus its longevity, several other points of connection are not being tapped into for a deeper bond.

Emotional Intimacy.

I once talked with a match, and they described their special interests in tap dancing and old-school musicals. After a 20-minute rundown of favorite actors and their separate music careers, my match apologized for rambling, which I thought was the cutest thing. Seeing your partner in their zone is very attractive, and it opens you up to being vulnerable and not worried about appearance. It certainly made me feel safe sharing my love for superheroes and K-pop.

Intellectual Intimacy

With any muscle, exercising your mind is critical to learning cultural humility, empathy, and processing skills. The best part is you can make this a date! Visit a new museum exhibit, and take your time to examine each piece, considering its historical and societal context. Attend an arts festival and immerse yourself in the culture and social atmosphere. Go on a hike and see if you can spot the local woodland creatures. Take your aesthetic pictures, write notes to discuss later—have fun.

Are you up for debating? Because engaging in stimulating conversation means you will likely run into disagreements. Intellectual intimacy encourages expressing healthy differences. It would do us all good in learning how to communicate, be patient, and become active listeners. Arguments should not be screaming matches, kitchen-sinking, or trauma dumping. If the purpose of an argument is to win or hurt another person, then the intention was never to come to a resolution in the first place. So instead of becoming defensive, learn how your partner processes information and copes with feelings.

Spiritual Intimacy

Do you chart and act based on your horoscope? Does a prayer room bring you peace and rejuvenation? Perhaps existing in nature heals you. We all feel a connection to something. Whether you consider yourself religious or spiritual, everyone aligns their heart with specific values and beliefs that become their respective ethos.

For me, becoming spiritually intimate is the deepest layer of intimacy, because it is your core receiving love—you are nourishing your soul. That makes it the scariest level to share with someone else. No one wants their safe space on trial. Exploring this area can be delicate, but it can create a profound bond when done right.

In any case, being unaligned or unfulfilled in one of these areas of intimacy can cause desire to become estranged.

Although it is easier to find and match with people on apps, it is not an excuse to put in less effort. You cannot half-ass connections hiding behind your phone forever. The goal is to find a partner who is willing to share a checkered blanket, not just a screen. It’s about choosing to be present, engaged, and vulnerable—to create moments that feel as genuine as they are joyful.

Is the modern dating world failing us, or are we failing to be intentional with our connections?