Why Can’t I Figure It Out?

Being on the brink of 25 and starting a new life post-grad, I’ve begun to wonder who I am without the usual influences that surrounded me during my late teens and early twenties. College was filled with people and experiences that led me to explore myself and my future. Relationships blossomed and withered while still nurturing the ongoing ones.  Life was complicated, but it was mine, and the routine was normal—it was familiar. 

I liked to think that I knew who I was—my years in therapy really helped me discover my past self and how that was affecting me in the present. I went through four different therapists within the four years of my journey, and I learned more about myself with each one of them. 

So why is it that I don’t anymore? Why do I feel so foreign in my own skin and mind? 

I can’t deny that during my years in college I wondered if I even belonged there. It took me six years to get my bachelor’s, and four to get my associate’s. While my high school peers and best friends graduated with their bachelor’s in 2022, I was barely finishing up my associates. It made me wonder if I should even finish college if it took me that long. To be more gentle on myself, there were things in my life that were falling apart then, but at the time it didn’t make sense to me as to why I couldn’t be like my friends. A bachelor’s degree seemed so far each time. My career looked even further from me. 

Photo by Regina Seanez

My college classes were filled with students of the ages of 19, and I shamefully admitted that I would be turning 23 that year. That response was filled with gasps, making me shrink into myself more than I already was. I was mortified. 

I always felt behind, and none of my older (rare) classmates could make me feel better about it. While I agreed that people have their own pace and it’s never too late, I was always a lot harder on myself because of it. I should’ve been up to speed with the rest of my graduating class, but I wasn’t. Why was that so frustrating? 

Society likes to set a pace for you, despite their reassurance that everyone has their own path and takes their own time. Everyone that I’ve spoken to tells me the same thing, and though it’s taken a while, I don’t regret taking my time. Being in college for as long as I had made me mature and realize that I wanted different things for my future than what I had originally planned at the age of 18. I was more realistic, and while my skills improved, my passion for my career did too. I was excited and hopeful.

But now, five months post-grad, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more confused and lost. 

Texas has been my home for as long as I can remember. Born and raised there, the only different environment I’ve ever felt was when I packed my bags and moved from my small border town home of Eagle Pass to Austin. So when my cousin offered to take me in if I moved to Maryland, I decided to take that opportunity. 

Photo by Regina Seanez

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy—my hopes of finding a job weren’t so high, but they were there. However, after almost a month of being in Maryland and over 300 job applications sent, those hopes are deteriorating. With rejection after rejection and companies ghosting me, I’m starting to think that I won’t ever get a job. Maybe that’s a little dramatic, but it really does seem like it. My resume has gone through several edits, and even then it’s hard to secure an interview. 

I’ve seen people discuss the topic of experience in the workforce and how it’s very important to gain experience during college to let companies know that you know your stuff and have put it into practice. I’ve seen people say that students should go out and get that experience, even if it’s an unpaid internship. It’s frustrating. Most internships in my field are unpaid, which wouldn’t have been a problem if I didn’t have to worry about expenses. During my years in college, I had to prioritize my bills and expenses because I was the one paying for them. At some point, I was juggling four jobs while being a full-time student just to be able to survive. 

It angered me to have people say that I just don’t have enough experience. If I had been fortunate enough, I would’ve. But people don’t want to talk about the ones who are in the same position as I was. So if getting a job is all about the experience you gained while in college, would people like me ever have a chance? 

Being in Maryland with nothing to do has made me wonder why I even came. I wanted more job opportunities, but that seems so far from me now. I feel like I’ve lost sense of who I am outside of being a student and someone’s employee. I’ve explored and wondered—I even started writing in my journal again—but the more I look, the more lost I am. 

Maybe I’m looking for the version of myself who was a student. I’m searching for the person who was surrounded by friends and always had something on her schedule. I feel like I’m looking for a part of me that has already died, and I’m mourning her. 

Photo by Regina Seanez

At the brink of 25, with my friends who have full-time jobs or are in grad school, I wonder if I’ll ever get to see the career that I’ve worked so hard for. The feeling of being left behind has come back, but stronger than it ever was at the age of 22. 

In a world full of people, I feel so lost. 

But then it all just stops. I realize I’m just a person who’s figuring life out just like everyone else. It’s okay to give myself some grace. These timelines that I’ve made up are just what they are—made up. There is no rubric on how to live life, especially not your own. 

I think that’s the hardest part I’ve had to face. My life has been filled with so many timelines and deadlines that I didn’t notice when I started to put them in my own path. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, and maybe putting this out there will help you realize the same. 

You have time. 

We’re so focused on our future that we don’t take the time to enjoy what’s right here right now. It’s not a crime to just enjoy life right now. We have time. So what if we don’t have it figured out by now? Do we need to? 

Transitions are hard enough already; be gentle with yourself. We’re all learning together. I don’t think anyone ever has figured life out fully, and that’s okay. We don’t have to know everything right now. 

RM’s Indigo is an album that’s really helped me unlearn and learn several things about myself while I take this journey to find who I am now.