PSA for Women: It’s Okay to Not Have Sex
I’ve been dating on and off since I turned 18. I go through periods where I’m meeting multiple people a month and long stretches of time that allow me to reset, take stock of how I’m feeling, and realign myself with my values while allowing myself the space for new ones. As an introvert, dating apps have become my go-to place for meeting potential partners, and these apps have resulted in the formation of my previous relationships.
I spend a lot of time online, job-searching on LinkedIn or scrolling through TikTok or Twitter (I’m not calling it X), and I came across news of Bumble’s rebrand a week or so before it happened. The app has claimed to champion women since its inception, insisting that when heterosexual couples match with each other, the woman has to message first in order for any conversation to happen. At its core, the aim is to allow women to maintain some semblance of control and set the tone for their dating lives.
As I said, most of my time is spent indoors, and I didn’t actually see Bumble’s billboards in person. But as news of their in-app rebrand spread, I began seeing several different conversations about Bumble and celibacy make their rounds. The most popular billboard was captioned, “You know full well a vow of celibacy is not the answer.”
The State of Things for Women in the U.S.
Women on social media and in real life of all ages are having a hard time dating men. In my opinion, there’s a correlation between the advancement of women’s rights in the past 50 years or so and high levels of misogyny among men. Our lives are meant to be getting better because, for the most part, we have full control of them now. Dating or marriage isn’t a necessity anymore; it’s something we do if we feel like it. And as a result of that, young women (Gen Z, to be precise) are having less sex than the women who came before us. We’re rolling with the punches as the world changes, and oftentimes it feels as though our male peers aren’t very receptive to change.
Maya, a 25-year-old bisexual woman based in New York City, believes that there has been a general increase in messaging that normalizes toxic relationships and urges women to date even when they don’t feel like it. According to Maya, “Our society relies on heterosexuality as a concept for so many reasons, including the unpaid labor that women and mothers do, and the fact that cis people typically help populate the country.” The slight panic about declining birth rates, paired with the recent attacks on Roe v. Wade, means that for some women, a vow of celibacy is the best option.
Shelbi, 25, is an advertising executive also based in New York City. From her perspective, Bumble’s intentions were clear, but the dating app missed the mark. Shelbi believes, “It’s crazy that they did this because I know how many people it has to go through to get approved. This is an issue with the advertising industry due to it being dominated by white cis males who feel that as long as they aren’t offended, it’s not a problem.” She also believes that the dating app industry pushes women to “give in to men who don’t deserve it, and women are choosing celibacy and dating less due to poor treatment from men.”
Both Shelbi and Maya feel that there is a deliberate, broader effort to shame women who choose celibacy, regardless of the reasoning behind it.
Additionally, the talk of a male loneliness epidemic is not lost in all this. Since 2023, news outlets and social media platforms have discussed the existence of a loneliness epidemic for people who identify as male. In 2021, a report by the Survey Center on American Life found that one in seven men have no close friends. Just last year, a New York Times op-ed titled ‘Have More Sex, Please!’ encouraged men to have more sex to feel less lonely. While I can empathize with the concept of loneliness (I’m something of a lonely girl myself), I don’t place responsibility on the opposite sex to cure that. I’m arguably at the most difficult point in my life, but my friendships are what are keeping me afloat, not men or boyfriends. Telling women that celibacy is not the answer makes male loneliness our problem and not men’s, blaming women for men’s emotional unavailability and lack of sexual control. Jasmine, 23, feels that in an era that glorifies hookup culture and commitment phobia, the anti-celibacy ad adds fuel to the fire. “I don’t understand why this would be an ad for a dating app that wants women to feel empowered to choose good partners. It feels yucky.”
I frequently discuss my dating life with my mother and share how glad I am to not need to date because it is simply too risky. If I choose to date a man, I am more likely to take on the responsibility of housework, even when we’re both working 9–5 jobs. If we choose to have sex, I am more likely to catch an STD from him than he is to catch one from me. If he’s a cis-male, he can’t get pregnant, and pregnancy could literally kill me. I understand wanting to stand out at a time when dating apps are easy to come by and most don’t have defining factors. But it’s important to respect the choices we fought so hard to make. The ‘answer’ is whatever we (women) want it to be.
